I was thinking about something that I struggle with. It’s not my weight, my finances, or my relationships. It is a daily internal struggle that I have with myself. The bottom line is that I am too complacent. I am too laid-back and self-satisfied. I have never been a competitive person. The only time I was competitive was in High School when I strived toward top grades and high honors. Even then, I was truly only competing with myself. I was unaware of what everyone else was doing or even how I placed. I find that to be excellent in something, you have to want it. You have to want it bad. My struggle is that I am happy with what I have. I am happy with nearly every area in my life. I know if you are reading this, you may be sticking a finger down your throat at this point. Gag me, right? It’s not that my life is perfect in any way. I was just brought up to appreciate what I have. There are definitely many areas in my life that could use improvement. I just need to find some way to get the drive to do it. I guess, sadly, that I always think it is all good enough. One of my mantras has always been “It is what it is”. But what if it isn’t?
Regrets, I have few
For 2010, I had many goals. I had goals to lose weight, eat healthier, exercise more, spend more time with my kids, my husband, and my friends, see more live music, cook more, scrapbook more, ride a bike 10 miles, keep my house cleaner, read more, write a ton more, spend less money, etc. It goes on and on and on. All of these things that I thought were my so very important goals. When I look back, many of those things are still on my to-do list. I have tried different ways to achieve these goals, some of them I completed, some of them I didn’t. When I reflect back on 2010 and think about something I may have regretted, it is really hard to come up with anything solid. Everything seems so small in the overall scheme of things. I am relatively healthy. I am surrounded by friends and family that I love and who love me. I have a nice, warm roof over my head and food to fill my belly. I have freedom to think whatever I wish, pick out whatever novels I want to read, wear whatever clothes I want, listen to the music I love. Everything this past year was not perfect, some of it was not even fun. But I am here. I am breathing. I am thinking. I am alive. Do I have regrets for 2010, nope, I cannot think of any. All I can think of is that I am blessed.
I am so excited.
There is something that I am so excited about in 2011. It is not something you can touch, taste or even see. It is simply becoming a better and different person. About this time every year, I get this feeling of being renewed. I am ready to move on, change things up and start something new. Since I am a list making, note scribbling, song writing kind of girl, I usually start my new year by writing down all of the changes I want to make. Well, this time, I have decided not to make that list. I am going to wing it. That’s right, you read it here. I am going to make this a year of split decisions and last-minute impulses. I am not saying that I am going to go out and buy a new car tomorrow or move to Connecticut. What I am saying is that I am going to REALLY step out of the box and do things that go against my internal grain. I am a heavy-duty planner. I need to know what is going on, way ahead of time. I don’t even like surprise birthday parties. I am of the calm, cool and collected set. I have a t-shirt that proclaims “Be calm and carry on”, like the queen, of course. However, this year, I want to spit in the wind, color my hair bright red (oops, already did that), buy some pajama jeans and wear them to Wal-Mart, (no, I really DO NOT want to do that). I want to be the one that is full of surprises in my own way in a new way. Ok, so this may take a little work, but I am willing and ready. Stay tuned.
A Fresh Start
Well, all of my goals to use my blog to become a better writer and to rediscover myself have completely backfired. It is nearly an entire year later and I am lucky if I have a half dozen posts. While my original goal of starting a blog was not to have a giant readership, I am slightly unhappy with myself for not even following through on my goal to write weekly on my blog. So here I am again, trying again to make good on my own goal. I will make 2011 the year that I will post weekly on my blog. Even if I have nothing really to say.
“Look Mom, she VOMITED all over me!”
Ok, so I have to laugh just a little. Last night, while I sat blissfully reading one of my favorite books and my family life happily commenced around me, my youngest daughter, Meghan, spent two whole hours with her Baby Alive doll in the bathroom. Meg is 6 years old and still loves all of her babies. She came up to me and asked (slightly timidly knowing I am not big on messes made on purpose), “Mom, can I please, please play with my Baby Alive in the bathroom?” Meaning, “Can I use water?” What the heck, it was a Friday night. Have at it, kid! Next came, “I can’t find my baby stuff, so can I use one of your bowls, oh and this one too? and one of your spoons? and a washcloth or two?” Sure, why not, do it right, kid! Sometime into the two hours of feeding her baby WATER on a spoon (since we long ran out of the fake and disgusting packets of genuine Baby Alive food), she come’s running out of the bathroom with her baby, her shirt splattered with water and shouting, “Look Mom, she VOMITED all over me!” and “NOW, I am going to HAVE to give her a bath!” Yep, she cracks me up. Of course, she will have to give that puked upon baby and her puked upon self a bath since she is covered in VOMIT. Meaning water. They are both covered in water and now need more water to clean up the water. As a parent, you have to love the roundabout ways that kids ask for things sometimes. Why didn’t she just ask if she could take a bath tonight?
The Joke is on me.
I have decided, more than once this winter (spring) that I am depressed. This has been a major turning point in my life. All three of my children are not only in school fulltime, but they are all incredibly independent little people. I guess this is what I have been longing for since the days they were little and I dreamed of what having “free” time would be like. I guess I am doing a decent job because they are willing to break away and take care of themselves whenever they can. I guess that sometimes having all this “free” time just isn’t what it is cracked up to be. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 12 years. For about seven of them, I was very involved in my children’s lives, including running a non-profit cooperative preschool as a Board Member for 5 years, a Girl Scout Leader, Cub Scout Leader, Junior Achievement Representative, Room Mom, Parent Booster Club Board Member, and being involved in numerous other committees. I also joined several mom’s groups and attended bible studies. I was completely looking forward to having my week to take care of all the necessary household things so that we can spend the entire weekend as a family. I was looking forward to dedicating some major time finally getting my pre-baby body back. I was looking forward to having a hot meal on the table every night, the laundry always caught up, the bills paid and a spotless house (and car). Well, after the long winter and tons of hibernation (it’s cold here in Wisconsin), the joke is on me. I think that now that I FINALLY have all of this time, it goes quicker than it did before and I don’t seem to get nearly as much done. I haven’t set any major exercise records, my house is still in a shambles as always and some days I am lucky if my kids get a sandwich let alone a hot nutritious meal. So, I am depressed. And somehow, I need to figure out how to get out of this funk. I think I will get a job.
On Growing Up
I spent the weekend watching my oldest child and daughter, Tori, play basketball in two different tournaments with the two teams she is on. She is one of the tallest girls on her teams and primarily plays post position. I am so very proud of her. She has a bit of a shy, cautious personality and doesn’t jump into anything, but her basketball skills are improving greatly. She is starting to show a lot of confidence on the court. My husband recently measured her height and she is just one inch below me. That would put her at 5’5″ in the 6th grade. She is wearing a size 9 1/2 shoe so I think she may have just a bit more growing to do. Anyway, what started me reflecting on this today is that this morning when I “made” her hug me for my dose of morning love, it felt like I was hugging one of my girlfriends and not my daughter. And, yes, it has made me a little wistful. My daughter is becoming a woman. With that role in life, I see so many huge changes on the horizon. We recently got her a cell phone because she has basketball practices late at night and I want her to be able to contact me if need be. That alone was not an easy decision as I don’t believe that 11 yr olds need cell phones. Tori’s is a pay as you go model with limited texting. Most of her friends have much nicer phones with tons of features. I just can’t go there yet. Also quickly approaching is boyfriends, sassy talk, periods (ugh!) and more time spent away from her mother. Don ‘t get me wrong, I have a very active social life with my own friends. It is just that I feel like the days of snuggling on the couch with your mom watching movies are numbered. And, I am not ready to give that up yet.
USE IT UP
Ok, so I have come up with my slogan. A new motto for me for this new year. Ever since we did a huge home remodeling project two years ago, I have come to realize that I really like clean, modern, uncluttered looks. The only problem is that before the dawn of this great realization, I was a huge stocker upper. I stock up on everything. How many people need a dozen cans of condensed tomato soup or 10 sets of shampoo and conditioners? Or enough envelopes, staples, and paper clips to outfit a seven story business. I have a small fetish for office supplies and all things paper. I was a retail manager in a chain of family owned office supply stores that were driven out of business by the big box. Anyway, I have decided it is time to use it all up. Mind you, old habits are terribly hard to break. Last Friday, I took my two girls for hair cuts and walked out with $79 of hair supplies, including two more sets of shampoo and conditioner. Ok, so I have a hair product fetish too. Who doesn’t.
I am truly excited about this new motto. It applies well with everything I do. I am going to use up all the old supplies I have in every single pantry, linen and broom closet. All of the craft supplies, paints and scrapbooking materials that I have stored all over the place (including the thousands of pieces of pretty 12 x 12 paper, and I am not kidding). I am going to use up all the liquor in the bar and the beverages in the extra fridge (both of them). I still have the bottle of champagne that the previous homeowners left in the fridge when we moved into our house almost 16 years ago. I am not going to use that up, but I may finally throw it away. I am way too sentimental. I am going to use up all the fertilizer and potting soil stored in the shed along with the bird seed and all the car wax in the garage. I am going to us up all the energy I possibly can I my workouts. I am going to use up all the thoughts I have, even the stupid ones in this blog. All of it, used up. Gone. Before I can buy something new just like it or start a new project that is similar. So, time to leave this and go use up some shampoo on my smelly, sweaty hair that I got from using up all my energy on today’s workout. I kicked my ass and used one of my old workouts too.
New year, new beginning…not really.
So it is the start of a new year and about this time I start to feel that excitement for a new beginning. All of the Christmas stuff is usually taken down on New Year’s Day and the house is thoroughly cleaned. But this year, what’s the rush? I think I will save it until Monday when the kids go back to school so that I have something on my agenda. Besides, I was slightly hung over this New Year’s Day and spent some time nursing a headache and mindlessly watching Bowl games on the tube with my husband while enjoying a crackling fire in our fireplace. Aside from that, I have been pondering my “resolutions” for the new year and that new beginning. I have to say that really, my life has been a never-ending list of things I want to do, need to do or items that need improvement. I have always been a journaler so writing these down is kind of like therapy for me. This year though, I have not felt that urge to put these things on paper. Most of them are just a version of the same ones from year to year anyway. Exercise more, eat healthier, handle my finances better, stop yelling to people from a different room (one of my biggest peeves), travel more, etc. The fun part is that this year, I don’t have any big resolutions. I just want to feel good and have fun. I am enjoying myself just the way I am. If anything, I need to take a step back and just enjoy it all. So, I guess for my big change this year, I am going to stop fussing about all the inconsequential things and just enjoy every single little thing. There, I guess I do have one.
On the Eve of the New Year
I am actually quite grateful to have a place to air my views, expel my dreams, bitch a bit if needed. It seems a slight bit scary to move your utmost personal thoughts out into an extremely public world. I have been following different blogs here and there, nothing on a regular basis. Everyone out there is just so damn creative. My biggest hope that I may receive from this is to tap back into my own creative world. This used to be a place where I wrote short stories, song lyrics, poems and even dreamt of writing a novel some day. I hope to realize the things that have made me the person I am at this (hopefully) midway point in my life. Not just the mom, not just the wife, but who I am. Sometimes when you are a stay at home mom for 12 years, you start to feel like you are defined by your laundry. Is the laundry piling up? Do the kids have clean underwear? Is Tori’s uniform clean? No, sorry can’t do that today…I have laundry. And where the hell do the hangers disappear to anyway? Well, my biggest thought as I sit here listening to a new station on our 2-year-old, very expensive receiver that my husband just realized didn’t have the FM antenna hooked up, (wow, we get so many stations now and they don’t fade), is that I am so freaking grateful. Grateful for this time that I have had at home with this family and this man, maybe losing a bit of myself along the way but gaining so, so much more. So if anything, I have realized today that this blog is more than just my random thoughts, but a link to my new definition. And I am so excited! Happy New Year! Can’t wait for 2010!
Lifeofcyn 